Saturday, December 31, 2011

Pfizer wants a government bailout

With the lose of patent protection on Lipitor, Pfizer has announced it will seek bailout funds to make up for the devastating loss of revenue and profits.
FNN financial reporter Cash Kruggerand filed this report.
Pfizer reports that the loss of patent protection on Lipitor has had a stunning effect on the corporation's bottom line. A press release said in part, "The loss of revenue affects our ability to ability to research and develop new drugs.  Without new drugs in our development pipeline Pfizer will go into a death spiral."  The press release went on to say, "While the economic climate isn't conducive to corporate bailouts, an election year is coming up.  Every seat in the House and a third of the Senate seats are up for election.  This provides us with an opportunity to hire lobbyists and contact politicians.  They'll need money and we need a bailout.  It'll be a win-win for everyone.  Pfizer gets bailout money, politicians get cash that is vital to get reelected and in the years to come the voters have new drugs to help them live longer if they have enough money to buy our new drugs."
Pfizer stock rose 10 percent yesterday on news of the bold bailout bid.  A Wall Street analyst put it this way; "This shows that American ingenuity isn't dead.  This is a creative way to make up a serious revenue gap.  This is in the tradition started by the banks and other financial firms a few years ago: use other people's money."
Kruggerand points out that Pfizer has allocated 500 million dollars to this project and that greatly exceeds the going rate to buy the vote everyone currently in Congress.  Consequently, there is a good chance Congress will vote to give the bailout funds to the drug company
Kruggerand will stay with the story and provide more details about this brazen plan to fleece the public.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Tales From Gundarland Reading Guide

Our Cultural Reporter Marcia Hammerhead filed this report.  She obtained a guide for Reading Groups covering Hank Quense's award-winningTales From Gundarland.  The guide was prepared by the  Thieves Guild Reading Circle using stolen copies of the book
Reading Group Guide:
1: Do you think Romeo really loved Juliet or did he woo her to simply piss off her brothers? Find material in the story to support your position.
2: Do you think Rolf and Ralf are sissies because they worry about what Ma thinks?
3: Why are heros like Zarro and The Lone Stranger so inept?  Do you think it is a result of theirTFG award cover upbringing? Or are they simply the wrong stuff?
4: Do you think the princesses will eventually seduce Knuben?  Who will win their contest?  Why will she win?  Will she be happy she won?
5: Why does Maestro Andante only use three kazoos in his band?  Would more kazoos have effected the outcome?  Would five kazoos make a more mellow sound?  Defend your answer?
6: Did Duchess Stilken cheat on her husband with General MacDwarfen before the husband's death?  Cite evidence to support your opinion.
7: How many passive sentences did I use in the book?  List them.
8: In Merchant of Venison, can you add any 'D' words to the court scene?
9: In Rescuing Princesses, why didn't Burga throw the recalcitrant princess, over his shoulder and rescue her anyway?  Explain this lack of dedication to the rescue.  Does this indicate a possibly fatal flaw in Burga's psyche?
10: How can the stories in this collection be used to foster galactic peace? Explain in twenty-five words of less.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Iphone thievery

I saw this on the news the other night: there is a new crime wave in NYC.  Thieves are ripping iPhones out of the hands of folks who are using them on the street.  The thief then runs and away and disappeared in the crowds. This has reached epidemic proportions.

One such thief snatched a phone out of someone's hand, noticed it was a Blackberry and handed it back.

I'm sure this incident won't be reported in the Research in Motion annual report.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Faux News Network: Interview with Gongeblazn

Faux News Network has attained exclusive rights to interview Gongeblazn, the antagonist of Zaftan Miscreants, a novel by the unknown (for good reasons) author Hank Quense.  Gongeblazn is an alien of the zaftan persuasion.  FNN uses a new technology called Wormhole Connectivity to communicate with Zaftan 31B, the alien home world which is in a parallel world.
Here is our cultural reporter Marcia Hammerhead.
Ms Hammerhead: Tell us about your background
G.  My nest mother and father were both highly respected for their skills.  My father was the most famous and accomplished assassin in our home world.  Top politicians and corporate leaders vied for his services and paid huge amounts of money to have daddy blow someone up.  He was so successful, he got the nickname, Widow Maker.  Unfortunately, a gang of those widows trapped him in an alley and cut him to pieces with kitchen knives.  My Ma was equally famous as a poisoner.  A gallon of her special tea could wipe out an entire party.  In her dotage, she accidentally flavored her meal with the poison. 
I chose to take a different career path and joined the navy, although I do use the skills my daddy taught me.
Ms Hammerhead: Mr. Gongeblazn, tell us about your role in the novel.
G: What does mister mean? Is it some sort of subtle insult?  If so, I will demand satisfaction.
Ms Hammerhead:  It is no insult, it's a term of honor.
G. I accept your explanation.  My role is misunderstood.  I'm considered to be a villain, but the reality is that I'm a hero and a patriot who defended the home word against vicious enemies, despicable allies and other low-lifers.
Ms Hammerhead: How can you be a hero and a patriot when you lost two fleets of ships and turned to piracy at the end?
G Obviously, you have been subjected to propaganda from my enemies.  They will go to any lengths to blacken my reputation.
Ms Hammerhead: How can they blacken your reputation?  You've murdered any number of you peers and superiors as well as betrayed others.
G: Of which I'm justly proud.  Assassination and treachery are the hallmarks of a superior Zaftan.  The fact that I'm still alive shows my superiority over those who are dead.  Especially the ones I murdered.
Ms Hammerhead: At the end of the novel, you are captured and will be tried for piracy and face the death penalty, this ending your career.
G: Not necessarily. I'm negotiating with the author to let me escape from prison and take a roll in the next book, so I may be back.  I'm also entertaining offers for my life history and a producer is exploring a musical version of Zaftan Miscreants with me playing myself.
Ms Hammerhead: Thank you for the interview.  FNN will be interviewing more of author Hank Quense's characters.  Look for these reports.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Trump Energizes the Republican Party

This is an exclusive Faux News Network report.

The Republican Party has hit a wall.  With Cain gone, Perry getting ignored and Bachman missing, the fun has gone out of reading about the candidates or watching them on TV.  Gingrich and Romney are boring.  Donald Trump recognized the problem and inserted himself into the middle of the campaign by agreeing to moderate a debate.  Trump has provided a missing ingredient in the campaign; fun.  Trump can make the candidates more ridiculous and irrelevant than they can ever do by themselves.

With his stunning announcement about moderating a Republican debate Trump has sent shock waves through the ranks of the voters.  FNN political reporter Stacy Conundrum traveled the streets and interviewed voters to get their opinions on this situation.

Stacy (in New York City) What do think about the Donald Trump debate?
Voter 1: Great stuff.  The Republican debates have become dull.  Some of the candidates have stopped talking off the cuff because they're afraid of saying something stupid.  Again.  Once they get on the stage with Trump, there's no telling what kind of silly stuff will happen. This could be the death of the Republican Party.  

Stacy (in Iowa) What do your think about the Donald Trump debate?
voter 2: You sound like you're from New York or some sinful place like that. Get off my lawn before I call the cops,

Stacy: (in Kansas) What do you think about the Donald Trump debate?
Voter 3: Trump has a debate?  Did they finally cancel his awful show?  That's good news.  But if this new show is like the old one, why bother watching?

Stacey: (In Seattle) What do you think about the Donald Trump Debate?
Voter 4: Trump?  Who the hell is Trump?  Am I supposed to know who the guy is?  I got stuff to do.  Get out of my face.

Stacy.  My travels will continue and I'll file more reports later.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Zaftan Miscreants Blog Tour

Join me in my blog tour starting next Monday, December 6.  It runs thru Friday, December 16.  Each day, I'll be at different site to answer questions or respond to comments.
The list of sites is shown below:
Monday, December 5th
Guest blogging at Café of Dreams
Tuesday, December 6th
Interviewed at Blogcritics
Wednesday, December 7th
Guest blogging at Lori’s Reading Corner
Thursday, December 8th
Interviewed at Pump Up Your Book!
Friday, December 9th
Interviewed at The Hot Author Report
Monday, December 12th
Interviewed at Paperback Writer
Tuesday, December 13th
Guest blogging at Inkyblots
Wednesday, December 14th
Book excerpt featured at Between the Covers
Thursday, December 15th
Book spotlighted at Broowaha
Friday, December 16th

Friday, December 2, 2011

Giant head coach confused by media attention

This is another FNN exclusive report by Jock Strapper who covers sports for FNN.
Giant head coach Tom Coughlin said today that he is puzzled by all the media attention surrounding the current three game losing streak.
He told FNN! "We've been doing this for years, so why is everyone acting like this is a major story.  For a number of years now, we've racked up a great record during the first half of the year and then have problems winning a game in the second half.  This is not news."

Coughlin went to explain that during the pre-season, he and his coaching staff put together a single game plan to use during the entire season. "That relieves us of the onerous task of making a new game plan every week.  We can concentrate on other issues, like holding press conferences."

FNN asked if Coughlin thought the other teams were on to the Giants season-long game plan and had developed plans to neutralize the Giants plays.

Coughlin didn't think the other teams would be so crude as to decipher the Giant game plan.  "That smacks of underhandedness.," he said.  He added that the coaching staff tinkered with the master game plan to compensate for injuries.  This would also confuse the opponents who studied the Giant game plan
He told FNN that he thought the Giants would win another game or even two before the end of the season.